mroe jokes... hilarious...

The Five Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
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Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know
what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
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Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
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Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
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Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: shit.



3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time." si bei stupid..

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand." lol

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
-------Jean Cocturan

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.

Funny Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. (then beat you)

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.



MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

2. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife

wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the

same thing : "You can have mine."

3. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The

letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we

will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't

keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

6. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having

trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to

speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,

but today is the last day."


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news.", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded. "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, whilst the men's are usually unused at all."



there's so much more, u'll die laughing.. post another time..